Put yourself first!

she asks me why cant i let it go and forget the past and be happy for others but she dosent realize i sleep alone i walk alone i think alone i exist alone and the only think that's following me and will always stay with me is my own shadow so i cant afford to hurt the only things that keeps me company. you walk around talking to people you open your hearts and arm to everyone you have people who will listen to your troubles but im not you. im still learning to love myself and to be kind to myself and there is no one that i completely trust or say it all... the thought of confrontations or telling someone about my problems sickens me to the stomach so much so i rather keep it in. im not you i need myself to function and to stop myself from jumping out the window. every time someone hurts me i build a layer of wall and pieces of heart has been taken away but you see that's just me. so im sorry if im so selfish i cant act to be happy just so that there is perfect picture for others to see... i have to live with myself so if im hurting on the inside then im gonna get up and go so i don't lie on the bed without nightmares and not being able to sleep.

3 steps to fall out of love-

1. You have to remind yourself if you can fall into love you can also fall out of love, so don't think this pain will last forever, trust me it goes away.

2. When you like or love someone its like you are wearing a rose tinted glasses which makes them look perfect, like they could never do anything wrong and you think he is so different to every guy who you known before but guess what he's not perfect no one is! And maybe he has a different personality to other guys that you known but he's still just another boy and not a god sent that you can't live without.

3.This is for the one side lovers (my favourite) as hard and as cliché as it sounds realize He's just not that in to you'. We never want to see the reality and seem desperate so we tell ourselves you know what he/she likes me too but he's just confused like me but face the reality we all have one side crushes/love on other people and its perfectly okay because when you fall for someone you see something in them that intrigues you and you want to get to know the person in a deeper level but its not fair for you to think that person has to feel the same way about you because that's not how people work and beauty is in the eye of the beholder and you can't force someone to love you and you cant help loving someone but you cant be in a one sided relationship so you just have to let go and keep looking.

The day will come..

The day will come when I find my purpose in life, the day when I wake up in the morning a know exactly what Im doing on the day, the day when I tell mu mum she no longer has to work because I will be able to provide for her, the day when I no longer feel beneath everyone, the day when I'm  happy just for being me, the day when i no longer have to say when or if, the day when I can look myself in the mirror and see all the things I have overcome the success that I achieved and not see all the failures, the day when my mum sees me with those eyes that are over flowing with proudness, the day i feel worth being alive, that day hasn't arrived but if you work hard enough today that day will get closer and closer than you imagine. I want you to give 100% everyday and i promise you will achieve all the greatness in the world.

Face the reality..

Its funny when I write things because they are what I want things to be like and what I fantasize about but I'm not a fool and I do know the reality of the situation but I sometimes I choose to ignore it because well life is anything but a fantasy and its rough and if your imagination can bring you happiness then so be it.

I know that the distance isn't what's keeping us apart and I know that you could be living right next to me and we still wouldn't be together. The distance is really nothing especially at this time when we have so much acces to the internet, skype. Email and everything.

I also know that if you said the words I would've willingly waited for you to come back and even given myself to you like I have never before.

I also know that as much of a great guy you are its not 100% you moving that hurt my heart but its more so of the past repeating itself. I try to be all strong on the outside and everything but the reality is I been hurt too many times and have so many issues with myself. I have this fear of being left behind and people not wanting me in their lives because that's what I have experienced in the past and I still haven't gotten over it because it still happens so when you gave me a hint of happiness and then left me I saw it as the past repeating itself.

I know 😞 me and you will never happen and as much as it hurts me on the inside I need to realize I'm not what you're looking for and you're not what I need.

MY FIRST LOVE

In the past I always made myself fall out of love and I don’t know why but I could never picture the person  I like with me, and deep down in my heart I know it wouldn't work out. But with you it’s so different I won’t give up and I don’t want to give up even if you are 1000’s of miles away and I want to give all my love to you. I always thought love was never meant for me as I can’t seem to be in love with anyone for more than few days. Every time I talk myself out of your love I remember how you make me feel and I stop myself.

The things you do they excite me not just physically but mentally- the way you admit how close you are to your mother and not even have to pretend to be cool. Boy the way you check me out and pretend it didn’t happen and just look away!  And the way you asked me how my week was or that day when you told me not to let something take me down! Those things mean so much to me than you’ll ever know.

Your love changes me in ways that I don’t even understand I mean im sat at a bus stop having to wait an hour for a bus and being completely ok with it and smiling like an idiot and yet I am very ok with that. I am truly astonished by the way you are completely yourself and so comfortable around me , how do you even do that? Its like we been together for days, weeks, months..  when you are this comfortable around me and yet im still having to remember myself to breath and tell myself to stop grinning like an idiot.

You do everything right and yet you never do the things that I want you to.. every time you leave I want you to pull me in closer to you and tell me how much you will miss me and tell me you are falling in love with me. But you don’t do those things but still walk me to the bus stop..

You tell me you’re not interested in just having a gf and you won’t get one when you away and I hope to god that you stay by those words and not forget me and fall for me like I have fallen for you.

I never wanted someone else to be the reason for my happiness but just like everything else it hits you when you don't expect it and you find yourself in a position that you never wanted to be in.. That's exactly what happened to me!

Unlike the 100 times before i wasn't looking to fall in love or went into a situation expecting to fall in love but then it happened and you didn't make it hard for me either! In fact its never been that easy.

I want to say i wish i hadn't met you, i wish it was someone else who was at the door or wish for you to be arrogant or have a characteristic that i wouldn’t have fallen for but deep down i would fall for you all over again in a heart beat.    

Be appreciative of today..

s“Normal day let me be aware of the treasure you are, Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return.”

Broken hearted girl...

I thought you could be the sun shine after the storm i thought you could be my guide when my life falls apart and i go through tough time. I was praying that we might end up together and saw you as an an angel.

IM the one who lost her heart but you had no intention of giving me yours and now my wish to end up with you is like asking to see the stars with the sun.

How can i be so blinded by someone you were ready to leave and start something new and only needed something that i was offering. You didn't want me but what i was giving you. I saw you as the star that would lead me through the dark times. I cant believe how i meant nothing to you.   you made me so happy for weeks but just like everything else i learned that it was just a temporary feeling. You thought I was funny and you were comfortable around me you told me about you and a bit of an inside in to your family you told me not to let things get me down you didn't mind when our hands would touch or when our knees would hit each other but you did all those things but you didn't want me.